Ok, to get it out of the way, I am a bad blogger. One post every four months is likely not going to hold an audience. Anyhow, I have been sufficiently guilted and I will try to post on at least a bi-weekly basis. There, that’s out of the way…NOW BACK OFF!!! (trembling lip/crazy eyes).

So, let’s review the past third-of-a-year of baseball:

• The Tampa Rays sans el Diablo are a half game out of first going into the break. Had they not lost 7 straight before said break, they would have been comfortably leading the AL East. Predictions that would have been slightly more believable than this if you had called this in April would have been: peace in Israel; Andy Pettite being busted collecting baby tears for Satanic rituals; and Gisele Bundchen raping me in a bus station bathroom. What’s that Rays? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole… wheel of cheese? How’d you do that? Heck, I’m not even mad; that’s amazing.

• A-Rod is banging Madonna. Wow. This is one rumor that I have fully supported from the very start. That’s so much more money than him taking some stripper with Barbaro’s face and Lou Ferrigno’s body up to his hotel room. Yes, Madonna is a couple years shy of qualifying for AARP benefits and she’s had more men in her than a forty-year old submarine…but she’s Madonna. He’s A-Rod. I, for one, support this unholy, A-list alliance.

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Holy crap. I will admit first and foremost that I have been slackass this month in posting. We could go through the rigmarole of talking about how “poor internet service in Cambodia is no excuse,” but I’m not going to bother. Baseball news for the last month has been basically that there is no baseball news. It’s fucking excrutiating. Let’s recap:

• Damaso Marte was in a fender bender in the Dominican Republic and is fine. This was worthy of the main feed for ESPN’s MLB page? Who is Damaso Marte? I know, but I certainly don’t think less of you for not knowing. He’s a decent lefty reliever for the Pirates. The same Pirates from Pittsburgh. The ones that haven’t made the playoffs since fade-cuts were cool. In other news, the New York Times will not be reporting that, upon realizing he was out of t.p., a man in Sheboygan was forced to crab walk pantless down his hallway from his bathroom to the closet to retrieve a fresh roll.

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Most sports writers will have an end of year list of “fearless predictions” for the coming year. The coming year has is now this actual year, so I missed that window. Also, I generally despise those pieces because, although labeled “fearless,” the writers will never fess up to them later unless they were close to the mark on one or two of their eight-thousand crap shots.

Following is my list of completely spineless predictions that I will never take any responsibility for with the exception of those that are correct. Read the rest of this entry »

On top of gnats destroying a crucial playoff series, Hank Steinbrenner’s Tourrette Syndrome and the revelation that the 2000 Yankees were downing enough steroids to make a man of Clay Aiken, it was just reported that Jim Leyritz killed a hapless victim in an apparent DUI collision. There’s nothing funny about that, but Jesus dude. Did God move to Boston? Does He suddenly prefer third-rate pizza and the inability to stay out boozing past 9:30? There’s still 3 days left in the year for it to be revealed that A-Rod cut his right hand off trying to fashion his own pair of jorts and that Jeter has feline AIDS.

but ESPN actually has an excellent assessment of the Mitchell Report that basically says none of this would even hold up in a civil case. Not that I’m disputing any of it, but it is something to think about.

The Mitchell Report is out in T-Minus 2:30 hours, but I can’t wait. Here is my completely unsubstantiated list of wild speculation as to who will be outed as having tiny balls and a temper that can be set off at the drop of a hat (bigger names only and Yanks/Sox 1st):

• Clemens (this one has already been spilled and gets a “duh”)
• Pettitte (practically takes baths with Clemens)
• Abreu (only before the 2006 All-Star game)
• Farnsworth (you should see how flat his fastball is without)
• Giambi (…)
• Damon (just spent too much time with Giambi not to have at least gotten a contact high)
• Varitek (he has lost so much weight over the last two years Sally Struthers is crying about it on T.V.)
• Ortiz (there’s clutch and then there’s “juicin’ clutch”)
• J.D. Drew (he still sucks)
• Doug Mirabelli (and he always sucked)
• Youkilis (just reeks of backne)
• Beckett (no one could be such an asshole without drugs)

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Hank Steinbrenner: (on the phone) Is this Mike Lupica?

Lupica: Yes, who’s this?

Hank: It’s Hank Steinbrenner. You were asking who I’d trade for Santana, right?

Lupica: Actually, I hadn’t, but…

Hank: I’d give up Hughes and Melky along with some of these hot shit kids we got in the minors that Cashman’s always creaming his pants over. Additionally, I will literally execute any players, coaches or managers I deem not to be “true Yankees.”

Lupica: Wait…what!?

Hank: There’s your quote! (hangs up) Christ, that gave me a rush. Must. Give. More. Quotes!! Where’s my goddamn secretary? Cindy!

Cindy: Yes Mr. Steinbrenner?

Hank: Cindy, get me Joel Sherman from the Post. Yesterday, Cindy!! Read the rest of this entry »

Mariano Rivera, the most dominant closer of all time and possessor of the most erection-inducing entrance music in baseball, finally agreed to what was already a borderline ridiculous offer.

He’s going to get $45 million over 3 years. He is old. In 3 years he will be really old. In 4 years, which he was holding out for, he will likely be incontinent and more familiar with the early bird offerings at the Panama City Denny’s than he will with the ability to throw north of 76 mph. I know he was pissed at Hank Steinbrenner for mentioning his age, but $15 million a year for less than 70 innings work a season is just about the best deal anyone not named Roger Clemens has landed in the past 5 years.

That said, the Yankees were pretty much screwed if that old, lovable bastard walked. Francisco Cordero was the next best option in the free agent pool and I just recently learned that the English translation of his name is Kyle Farnsworth. Welcome back Mo. We promise to get you in bed by 7 most nights after you’ve watched your stories.

There have been numerous free-agent/trade rumors and ideas floating around recently concerning 3rd base options and fans such as myself have been gobbling them up, even if some “trade ideas” by Yankees fans are so asinine they make you wish you liked basketball. Unfortunately, thinking endlessly about this is all I have until pitchers and catchers report at the back end of a yet-to-even-happen winter. It’s like going to porn when your girlfriend is out of town. It will have to do. ~sigh~

Anyhow, I thought I’d throw in my 2 cents about people who have been mentioned and breakdown what I think they would cost us and how they might help/destroy the team:

Alex Rodriguez:

A-Rod is gone. The only way A-Rod can help the Yanks now is by going to the Giants. That way, we will only have to see his greedy, jort-wearing ass once every 10 years in interleague play as they would never once challenge for the playoffs. I’m not bitter.

Chances: Not a frozen pair of jorts in Hell.

UPDATE: Apparently even jorts can thaw. I don’t really give this any real credence, but there’s talk of the 6 trillion-dollar man returning. That won’t be awkward.
DOUBLE UPDATE:  The Yankees agreed to throw A-Rod’s $300 million jorts in the dryer, press them and add his number to the butt with a Be-Dazzler.

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